Selfish Intentions

We won talent show!!!!! ^o^!!! :DD Well not me, my band. Old ppl, lol. Yeah we need to get a better name, but it was so funny when the emcee was like, "and the first place band in talent show is... Old people!!" We also need to get a legit old person to be in our band. ;)

I also was in two other acts in the show, as an accompanist (I played piano for my friend who was singing Gravity by Sara Bareillies) and a solo act (So Much to Learn). It was pretty scary getting up on stage in front of all those people for the first time, but by the third act (my solo) I was somewhat used to it and didn't feel like I was gonna pee my pants anymore. :) I loved how nice everyone was to each other. "You did AMAZING"s and "thank you so much!!"s were resounding all over the place. It was kind of hard not to get cocky or a big ego... because hearing so many compliments from so many people really helped to boost my self-esteem about my singing and piano-playing. But in hindsight, I kinda wonder whether those people really meant what they said. Maybe so, since most of them had never heard me sing before. But maybe not. Oh well, it doesn't really matter. I'm just glad that talent show is over! i was so stressed out!
Sometime earlier last week, my school's jazz band (which I am a part of) had to play at a "open mic poetry slam". Except there weren't that many people going to the mic cause everyone was really shy. But there was this one guy who stood up and gave his testimony and then started doing Christian rap with his friend!! I was so surprised because I was being a little bit stereotypical and wasn't expecting anything of the sort. But it really moved me because his lyrics were powerful and had great meaning. I told him so later and he just held out his arms and gave me a hug lol! <3 I also ended up playing a song at the open mic because my band teacher volunteered me! Haha. But that was okay because I kinda wanted to anyway but was too nervous. When the open mic finished, these two guys came up to me and started talking to me about a recording studio! I was so shocked! They were wondering if I were interested in recording some tracks, and I was like "of course!!" :DD That was such a moving day, and my heart felt so full and happy. I wish I could find a career that makes me feel like that everyday. That would be my dream. (btw I'm having trouble deciding what to major in! But that's for another blog ;D)

Lately I've been struggling with selfish desire and intention. In the book of Daniel, King Nebuchadnezzar gets a big ego and starts saying that he obtained all his power by himself, without the help of God. Whenever I read that chapter, I'm like... wow. Really? Who could be that cocky? But sometimes the Bible puts things really bluntly, and you have to stop and think... have I ever done that? Have I ever accomplished something and given all the credit and glory to myself? The answer is probably yes (for me at least). I fought with the idea of performing at talent show, because I mean, isn't it really just a place to show off your skills? Kind of the same thing as posting music on youtube. So I had to sit down and really think about what my intentions were. I don't know if I'm lying to myself, but my intentions are to help people. I want someone out there to hear my music and be changed or moved by it, just like I was moved by the christian rapper (and btw, I go to a public school! So what he did took guts). It's not about me, it's about the music. And helping people. At least that's what I hope. It was hard not to let the compliments go to my head (but not that hard, since I mean, I know I'm not that good but it was hard not to dwell on the compliments and feel accomplished). On stage I had almost completely forgotten about God because I was so absorbed with the fact that I was here, on stage, performing in front of over a hundred people! But just before the curtains opened on my first act, I remembered God, and thanked Him again and again for giving me the opportunity to perform with my friends and by myself, for the opportunity to spread some of His love with my song (hopefully!).
I tried to sing the song with more power and crescendos/decrescendos than I did in my video ;). I also tried to put as little emphasis on myself as possible, because I didn't want to be self-absorbed when the reason I was there was to glorify God (and not myself!). I guess it's kind of ironic that I'm writing all about myself in this blog while trying to explain that I'm not self-indulgent or an ego maniac. Haha.

But basically that was what I tried to remember on stage. To live not for myself but yet for God -Relient K. Have a great day everyone, and I'd like to thank all my affies and visitors for caring about me and the site :) You guys rock! <3 Much love.

posted by Tika on 28 Feb 2010

So Much to Learn (original)

posted by Tika on 05 Feb 2010

Rejected

NEW TOBYMAC CD COMING OUT!!! I'm so excited!!! :DDDD
(too bad my iPod is so full.. I already have more than the limit of 350 songs! D:)

Let's be real here. Getting rejected is the worst. Okay, maybe not the worst, but it still smarts. Whether it be rejection from the school play auditions, or by the store manager when applying for a new job, or even by the boy that you've been mad-crushing on, rejection makes you feel like the bottom of your world just dropped out. Low self-esteem anyone? I thought 2010 was gonna be a year full of opportunities to make something of myself, to throw myself out there and make a name. But so far it's just been full of rejections. It seems like everything I dedicate my time and effort to just ends in disappointment. I spent a couple of days crying, trying to sort things out. I wondered, what am I doing with my life? Everything I try ends in failure, so why should I even bother? I felt foolish. I felt stupid. But mostly I felt down. Really down.
So I prayed to God, asking Him to show me a sign, or just to please give me something that could show me what to do. But try as I might, I heard nothing. One day I just locked the door and sat down on my bed, tears getting ready to fall any moment, and flipped open my Bible.

The thought of my pain, my
homelessness, is bitter
poison.
I think of it constantly, and
my spirit is depressed.
Yet hope returns when I
remember this one thing:
The Lord's unfailing love and
mercy still continue,
Fresh as the morning, as sure
as the sunrise.
The Lord is all I have, and so
in Him I put my hope.
-Lamentation 3: 19-24

God loved me. Loves me! Forever! God loves you too! Even if your special crush doesn't like you back, even if your plans fail and everything you hoped and dreamed for comes crashing down, even if your whole life gets turned around, God is always there for you, as sure as the sunrise every morning.

What am I doing with my life? Well I know what I want to be doing. Something for God. I'm tired of just sitting here talking about it, writing songs about it... I wanna do SOMETHING. It's okay if I've gotten rejected by the people and things of the world because God will never reject me. He will always be there for me. And just because I've been rejected before doesn't mean I shouldn't keep putting myself out there and trying new things (not to mention I forgot to count the many many blessings I have, such as a family who loves me very much). I'll admit it, I tried out for the school musical and didn't make it past auditions. But that doesn't mean I should stop writing music or stop trying. I want to use my music to serve God, to worship God, to show the world that God is love and though we may not understand what He's doing or why He's doing it, He's still God, the God I serve and will continue to serve for the rest of my life. God is my everything. He's my purpose. He's my life.

Time to get into action.

posted by Tika on 03 Feb 2010

Slow it down

Just gotta learn to take things easy, let go, and let life go on. What happens, happens, and while I don't wanna sit down and watch as the world crumbles, I just have to learn to understand that not everything is as important as it seems at the moment. So where are the things that really matter?

posted by Tika on 20 Jan 2010