What I want

A few weeks ago I was presented with a major decision: choosing between following an opportunity I deeply desired, and what I thought God wanted. It was tough, and I came very close to just following my own mind, but each time I told myself it was okay to go through with it, I felt a pull at my heart. I prayed desperately to God, asking Him why I had been given such an amazing opportunity when I wasn't even allowed to pursue it. Every time I opened my Bible I would come across a verse chastising me for the choice I wanted to make: Luke 6:46 "'Why do you call me Lord, Lord, and yet don't do what I tell you?'"; Luke 9:23 "If anyone wants to come with me, he must forget himself, take up his cross daily, and follow me.'"; Luke 9:62 "'Anyone who starts to plow and then keeps looking back is of no use for the kingdom of God.'" So I finally told myself that this could not go on any longer, and I had to do what was apparently 'the right thing'.
I ended up hurting some people's feelings (sorry I'm being so vague, it's rather hard writing about your offline life without giving away too many details), including my own. I cried for two days straight. I even missed school because I just couldn't stop crying. I felt betrayed, fragile. Why had God made this so hard? Why was it so hard to be 'Christian' and stand up for my beliefs? But luckily most of my friends and family were there to comfort me, and they applauded me for my 'right choice', saying it was the mature thing to do, and that I had saved myself heartache in the future. And after a week or so, the feelings weren't hurt anymore, and everybody was best of friends --even though I still secretly desired the opportunity, wondering what could have been if I had taken it. Except now it was too late, all I could do was let time heal over the desires and wants, believing that I had really made the 'right choice' after all.
But then I was presented with the opportunity again, this time with ten times more force than last time. It wasn't fair. I was pressured by some of the same people who had applauded me before to go ahead and just take the chance, to go for it. But I had to stick to my beliefs, to my God. I knew feelings would get hurt again, this time much deeper, and we would all regret it for some time to come, but eventually we would get over it. Hopefully. And again I was sure I had made the right choice by denying the opportunity, even though I was very unsatisfied and longed to know what it would have been like.
I told God, 'I made the right choice. I did the Christian thing.'
But then, the next night, my kitten got hit by a car and died. My whole family was devastated. Before the kitten died, I prayed, saying, 'God, I had an opportunity that I really wanted to pursue, but I didn't. I gave it up because I thought that's what You wanted. So why are You doing this to me? Please save my cat.' And then childishly, I added, 'Or else I'm going to pursue that opportunity before it's too late.'
I woke up the next morning, expecting to see my cat alive and well. I came down the stairs and found my mom and dad in the kitchen, quiet and brooding. The cat had died. I immediately felt a tear go down my cheek. It was too much. I had gone through so much heartache in the past three weeks, trying to make the 'right choice' and trying to please God, and for no reason at all it seemed, He had taken away my cat. Why? It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair at all.
No, I didn't pursue that opportunity. I knew it was childish to pray like that to God, to try and give Him an ultimatum, but I was so MAD. I cried for several hours, tried to go to school for a little while so I could get out of the house, but ended up crying there too. I couldn't believe it. I didn't know what to make of it all.
The people whose feelings I had hurt trying to do the 'right thing' ended up being the ones who comforted me in my hour of need. I was so grateful to them, but even to this day I wonder what it would have been like if I had taken that opportunity. I'm not mad at God anymore, I know He gives and takes away, but at that time all I could see was what He was taking away. I was being pretty childish. I guess subconsciously I thought that God would bless me for doing what He wanted instead of what I wanted. But that was wrong, God doesn't work like that. And He has a plan for all of us, so maybe somewhere down the road I will be able to see how making the 'right choice' really was the 'right choice' for me. But as of right now, I'm still dealing with the aftermath.

Everything is changing, constantly.


By the way guys, I'm going away to Governor's School for a month. It's some fancypants college program thing for rising juniors and seniors in high school. So sorry if I'm not active for awhile ;) Love you guys! :D

12 comments

Tika posted on 23 Jun 2010

by Chette @ 26 Jul 2010 06:02 am

Dropping by :) hope to hear you soon :)

by Alice @ 20 Jul 2010 02:58 pm

Hi..again lol^^
I just wanted to tell you that I have a new layout up^^ I'd love your opinion on it if you have the time<3 -Alice

by Aizel @ 12 Jul 2010 11:02 am

Your faithfulness is amazing! I'm sure something good might happen in the future, so stay strong Tika!

Have fun in Governor's School~ ♥

by Ian @ 08 Jul 2010 06:00 pm

Governors School. Interesting, one thing I've never heard of.

Oh yeah, and affie -- Check out our new radio =D

by amy @ 07 Jul 2010 03:34 pm

Hey Tika!!!

God will bless you for putting yourself aside and doing his will rather than your own. If that amazing opportunity is what you really want, then God will eventually give it to you, Psalm 37:4.

God is probably testing your faithfulness so don't lose heart love! I have prayed dumb little prayers too, God hears and he forgives. He understand our emotions.

The "aftermath" is God setting you up for something greater. Something amazing is going to happen because of all this! Be positive.

Love ya! If you need anything let me know :)

by Lyn @ 06 Jul 2010 06:26 pm

Hello there, I sent you are e-mail lol

You'll get through what you are going through, this is just a stepping stone to get to where God wants you to be =)

Have fun at Governor's School! lol sounds very elite ^-^

by Alice @ 05 Jul 2010 07:57 pm

Heyaaaa^^
I just wanted to let you know that my re-vamp is OVER and a new layout is up. also, so-rawr.webs.com is closing. Please come tell me what you think :D I'd love your opinion on it^^
btw.
OH MY. what a long blog entery you have :O I'm not awake enough to read it --.--

by Mike @ 04 Jul 2010 08:47 pm

I don't need no fireworks to get to you because you light me up baby. <3

by Jack @ 02 Jul 2010 02:11 pm

Wow.. your words are so true. So amazing.

by Lily @ 27 Jun 2010 07:53 pm

Tika-chanie! I'm glad you made the right choice. I'm sorry about your cat, but everything happens for a reason. ^^

Have fun in the schoolio! :B

by Alice @ 26 Jun 2010 03:54 pm

I just wanted to let you know that I'll be on a re-vamp a little while^^ you're free to comment on the site though :P (c+p)
Btw: How are youu? ^^
Oh, and do you have any tips for my new layout? I really want to make it look clean but cool and not too adult or childish xD ^^

by Alice @ 24 Jun 2010 10:28 pm

Look, I don't know what this "amazing opportunity" was but I'm sure you could have gone and not made yourself any less Christian. God did not take away your cat, stuff just happens. I'm sure God doesn't work that way. If he's a just God, that is.

I wasn't trying to be mean or anything but I hate how you put yourself down so much! I honestly hope you feel better and try not to feel guilty. :)